Can Water Reflect a Soul?

Am I sitting at your shore
feeling the cool breeze drift off of you
and thinking that's it?
Am I afraid to
break the surface,
to immerse myself
lose myself
in you?
Am I really just a fish
limp on your shore
suffocating from lack of you
drowning in air, dying,
my soul dry
and cracked
like the desert wastes,
empty, drying and
dying and
crying out finally
in desperation,
the final flip of silver
that pushes me over
the edge
into you?

Have I forgotten how to be vulnerable Father?
Have I opened my heart to another
to others
but not to you?
Is that the problem?
I've missed you for so long Father,
I've known you but I haven't
met you
I've heard you but I haven't
seen you,
tasted
and been refreshed
renewed
restored.

God what have I become?
Am I an oak that stands
tall, but is dying insde
rotting,
its roots cut off and choking,
entombed and enclosed in the stone
I put there?
I think I've forgotten how to be vulnerable.
Forgive me Father, I think I'm dying.

And yet the breeze does blow
it does cool as it flows,
across my arms,
my upturned face, the eyes
that stare and stare
across your surface of still rippled glass,
alive and full of life
my life.
I can see the sky and the trees
reflected in your profound depth
and I know that if I just move
a little closer
I will see
myself
my empty heart, but then you'll
fill me,
make me
a part of you
and then I won't be a reflection anymore,
as you hold
my broken heart
of fragile glass
finally from its iron walls
free.

-3/20/05

I wrote that during my quiet time this morning as I sat beside the lake. Sound familiar? If you're starting to worry, no need to. I had a long talk with Ben Goodman right after that and he prayed for me for a bunch of things which helped a great deal. I am so blessed to be surrounded by people of such great wisdom, encouragement, compassion, and power. I know that my struggles aren't over yet, but with the leaders in my life at my back, my friends holding me up, and God calling me forward I don't plan on worrying too much about that. I would appreciate your prayers though, since there is a measure of hurt to it, and because I may have to make some hard choices and do some difficult things, but don't worry about me. Just trust with me.

wow.....I just realized that I only have about nine weeks of high school left. Ever. And then who knows where I'll be....I think it only really started to actually dawn on me this weekend, sometime saturday night. Less than a year...it makes you think, y'know? It makes you look back, it makes you forward, and it makes you look around. I have so many questions, so many fears, and so many hopes, but most of all, I have so many memories and so much love, both from and for all of you (you know who you are). I do truly have such great love for all of you, my friends, my family. I pray that though I will miss you with an aching heart I will never lose you. I love all of you too much for that.