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Sunday, February 13, 2005

Life is Good

This has been a very weird weekend.
The best way that I can describe it is that it has been one of the happiest depressing weekends I've ever had. Each day seems to have been a high and a low rolled into one, hence the weirdness of the weekend. I have gotten to spend a ton of time with some of the most awesome people to ever exist over these past few days, I had a serious talk with my dad where he imparted some of his wisdom to me which really meant a lot, I moved naturally and easily in the prophetic on Saturday (which has been on my heart to start doing again), and I got to hang out with Bryan and George, just the three of us for a few hours, which I have been wanting to do for some time now (incidently, Bryan, George, and I should never get drunk late at night together. There's no way we'd survive 'til morning). All in all each day was awesome, but when I've gotten home each night I've felt like crap. I've dealt with issues of manhood, with not doing right by several people or by God, with being faced by the mistakes I've made and the habits I've created where I should have been fostering responsibility, wisdom, and discipline, and with a simple desire to be able to cry (as many of you probably know, I have problems with actually letting out my emotions. I spent a large portion of my life building walls around them and now I don't know how to get back in. The only things that have been able to get me to cry over the past eight years have been my parents and a certain event that concerned my brother. Never take tears for granted. They are expressions beyond words that have healing in their waters. You don't really realize that until you've forgotten how to cry.). Despite all of that though, I have really felt the Father moving closer to me this weekend, in a very calm, Abide in Me sort of way. We really have a beautiful God don't we? He brings us to our lowest, darkest places to bless us most richly, that we might see His glory and have our hearts captured. It's the place where you finally have nowhere left to turn and you feel like life has its hands at your throat that God meets you, when your heart feels like it's dying and at last all of the walls you've built and all of the defenses you've put in place can't hold back your heart's broken scream and you fall and cry out before your God, it's then that He comes. I long for that place. I long for my heart to be broken before Him so that He can touch me, for He sets his table in the presence of our enemies, and there is so much beauty and tender love in that. His power is perfected in our weakness, in my weakness. I am so weak, so very weak, but that only means that God has that much more power for me. I want to rush headlong into my place of darkness and barreness so that He can fill me. "Count it all joy when you encounter various trials" James says, and this must be what he meant. Even if I am taken to the hardest, most painful place I have ever been, my life will still be good, because my God is good and nothing, nothing can ever change that.

I'd appreciate your prayers. God bless you guys.

5 Comments:

Blogger Michael said...

Woah I definitely didn't know you had a blog... you said you would never get one, and you always post as anonymous... you sly little guy you!!!!
Prayer needed?? prayer gotten, buddy! You'll definitely be in my prayers!!
-Michael

12:56 PM  
Blogger gelfling said...

brother?

3:55 PM  
Blogger PlushToy said...

Bryan.

4:31 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

Yeah, when I first read that, I was like, "Ben... brother... WHAT?!?!?!" and then I got to thinking.. and I assumed that it was one of either George of Bryan... I was correct....

12:41 AM  
Blogger heartlikeaglass said...

a portion of the modest extent of my prayerfulness is most certainly yours. and i know what it feels like to be dry - tearless. not cool, to say the least...

12:44 AM  

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